A LITTLE SECRET
It happened a little too suddenly. I don know where it came from, that strange feeling.
I just sat there in my room as usual listening to music, pen in hand, and my diary on the table before me. The headset blocked out all sounds, and I sat there oblivious to the world around me. My eyes were closed and nothing was going through my mind. It was just…blank.
I had no idea why it happened, but my eyes suddenly flared open and my mind was in a whir. I sucked in my breath and felt weird in my chest. This strange feeling that I could not comprehend. My heart thumped wildly and I could feel my blood rushing through my veins. Shivers could be felt running down my spine as everything started to get colder, not having the slightest idea of what was going on. I looked down into my diary and two drops fell from my eyes onto the page.
Am I crying? ” I wondered as I looked at the blotches in my diary. My sight became bleary with tears, and I was so confused. My heart was heavy with this sort of loss. From deep within, I knew I had lost something, something precious, something dear to me that no one could replace, and it hurt bad. It felt like thousands of nails were piercing my chest. I clutched my chest, feeling the sharp pain from within me, and realized I was gasping for air.
”Whats going on? ” Tears flowed down my face on their own accord and I felt sad, hurt, and empty like someone had pulled out my organs.
What did I lose, or who it was Id lost? I couldn tell but wanted to know so badly. I had to know it. Where did this come from, this feeling of loss, where did it come from? Pain, fear, grief…complicated feelings that made no sense. None of it felt right, all the feelings that stirred within me.
I felt like tearing everything apart and screaming, but no…I didn . I grit my teeth and endured the pain as silently as I could, unable to move even an inch as the slightest movement racked my body with pain crazily. I kept mute, thinking of what, or who it was that I had lost. The tears flowed down endlessly like a river. They just came, and I had no control over them. I really couldn think straight. The more my mind focused on the feeling, the more I became certain that someone dear to me had left me behind, and that we might never meet again. But who? Who is it?
Why did you leave me behind??!. Slowly, frustration found its way, creeping into me and I was more eager to know. I was pissed, so freakin pissed.
WHAT IN THE WORLD IS GOING ON?!!
My emotions snapped, I couldn control them, and no matter what, I couldn guess who it was. Family? The family was fine. Friends? I didn think it was possible. I kept wondering, but then I suddenly felt like a huge boulder was being dropped on me as a thought flashed through my mind. A blurred image of that person came to mind.
”Is it you? ” I realized I was speaking to myself, and my voice was raspy and dry, almost like I was choking. I opened my eyes to find myself on the floor. The chair was tipped over beside me, indicating my fall which I never noticed. I shut my eyes tightly again and felt numb all over. My head throbbed with pain and I felt like I was falling, falling into an endless hole of darkness. The same image came again into my minds eye sending a wave of pain through my body. That person stood there silently, acknowledging me with only the back. It seemed so close, yet so far away. I noted that my presence was being ignored and wanted to call, but could not find my voice. The image started to fade away like a fresh painting being washed with water, and I panicked. I felt my heart racing, and that was when I realized I was losing consciousness as everything started to grow dim.
I forced my eyes open, and the image became clear again. I had my eyes on the back of that person, irritated that I was being ignored.
”TURN AROUND! LOOK AT ME, GODAMNIT! DO YOU HATE ME? IS THAT IT? ” I screamed the words in my head, but my lips couldn form them. I wanted to see that familiar face, and what expression it held for me to know the feeling but I never got that. My eyelids started to draw down and with that, the person started to fade away. I stretched out my arm and wheezed as I tried to keep my eyes open. As everything was slowly replaced with darkness, the voice came to me in a whisper
”Im sorry ” I tried to fight back the fatigue, but I couldn hold myself from the unconsciousness that consumed me.
”This is a dream. It has to be. ” I said to myself, knowing I would wake up to realize it was a dream. This happened to me quite often. Dreams that felt so real, but Id always figure it out as the dream ended. This was one such dream, and I knew I would soon be waking up to the real world.
If I were to calculate, then Id be staring at the white ceiling for some minutes now. I got up into a sitting position, and the thick blanket fell off. The cool air from the A.C. washed over me, seeping through to my skin. This made me conscious of the loose-fitting clothes I wore.
I didn wear this
I looked around the simple white room I was in. My eyes came to land on the figure asleep beside the bed. I guess my movements woke her up, for she raised her head from the bed when I shifted. I saw the transition of her face from groggy to neutral to shock, then joy all in the same second. I was dazed when she suddenly held me tightly in a motherly embrace.
”Don ever scare me like that. What were you thinking! ” at the latter part, her voice quivered, and I understood she was happy, but when she pulled her head back, I saw the tears and realized I mistook her crying for joy.
It wasn a dream.
That was all I could think of, and from her expression, I could guess my face was still in shock from the realization that dawned on me. Worry tugged at my heartstrings as I looked at her disheveled copper hair and the dark circles around her eyes. She had stayed in here with me for as long as I stayed here, probably getting no good sleep.
”Why aren you speaking? Say something to your mother at least. ” Her voice was still the same as I remembered. Calm, and soothing even when all she felt was worry deep down. She would always make you feel safe and assured that she was doing it all for you without any trouble. Everyone who knew my mother knew her as a strong-willed woman, but I knew better. She was a very weak person that would break down at the slightest but was also good at hiding it well from others. I sometimes used to see her in tears, crying after an argument with my father. The first time, I remember was when I was eight. The sight moved me to tears. It took all I could to hold it back, and go hide away to cry so she wouldn worry about me. She mostly cheered me up even when she was feeling more pain than I was. Before I knew it, I had all these traits ingrained deep as part of mine- a weak, but strong person.
I promised, after that image of her in tears burned into my mind that I would never let her worry about me but once again, I failed.
I stared down at my hands that gripped the white blanket. ”Im alive, and okay, aren I? ”
I said in a whisper she could hear. I couldn look at her face, for I was filled with the guilt of letting her worry, so I looked out the window beside the bed to distract myself. I could see the bright blue sky with a few scattered clouds. That was all I stared at, and the silence healed me. I didn want to think of how I ended up in the hospital. My mother remained silent as well, understanding perfectly my silent request. I knew very well that if I were to turn around, she would have that soothing, motherly smile on her face, and that would hurt me, for she would be doing that, trying to hide her pain. A perfect mask. I already felt it in my heart, just thinking of it.
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